Feelings....nothing more then feelings

I've never been positive about much. Never even been sure that anything I did was the right thing and always question and analyze things, but there's one thing I'm sure of...one thing that no matter how much I question it...it just feels right and I feel hopeful about it. I suppose my lesson in patience is still ongoing.

It's nothing to do with my brain.....this feeling comes from somewhere else. They say follow your heart especially with matters that are important to you. I've never NOT listened to my brain. It's always been steering me on.....usually on the wrong path because it's to busy criticizing, analyzing, over thinking, and trying to keep me afraid. So I've missed out on so much in my life, missed out on things I've wanted to do, dreams I wanted to follow.

But for once I'm following my "heart" because the heart doesn't think....it feels. And sometimes things just need to be felt and not thought about. If you shut your mind off for a bit and just focus on the feeling you get when you think of something. You can't explain it but you feel it and then you know what's right. Call it intuition or whatever but I'm gonna follow that for a change. Thoughts are just that..Thoughts. but when you feel something it's usually right.

Ahh I try to explain what's in my head but sometimes I don't think I get it out right .

Start of the Show

Well my friends, I have been very quiet with this blog thing....I really should work on getting better at it. You are are missing out on some really good thoughts and random craziness that consumes my brain. I cannot allow the world to go on being neglected like this!!  The world needs my thoughts and ideas. They may not be important to everyone, but if I can make at least one person think, smile, laugh, or forge any kind of emotion then I have done my job. It just takes one person helping another to make the world a better place. 

For the past year or so I have been going through so many emotions. I am in a rehab of sorts in my mind....training it to think better, be more positive, acknowledge the irrational thoughts...but not entertain them, and just forget the past and live for this moment....this very moment that is right here now. All my life I have tried to control my future...planning it out in my head. But if you look at what you were planning at the age of 18 and then look at where you are say 20 years later like me, you will see that your life is really nothing like you sat and worried about and planned in your head all those years ago. 

A lot of the last two years as I am trying to change and overcome fear have been filled with some dark days. I am trying to overcome and learn to keep the depression down. Focusing on positive things, slowly accepting that little changes eventually lead to big changes before you know it. Some days I feel like I will never get to that point where I can be happy and satisfied with my life, but then I find it a little easier to believe things are going to get better. I remind myself of all the little things I have done or am doing to get to where it is I want to be. 

Today has been one of them days where it is hard to feel like things are going to change and things will get better. But as I sit here reminding myself of all the things I have done to help me progress to get to where I want, I remember that I am going to do this, I am doing this, and I will be where I want to be!!  I can look back at my life this time last year and see that I am different. I am thinking better thoughts, I am focusing more on where I want to be, and realizing that I do deserve to get what I want!

Well I shall leave you with this song.....lyrics speak to me...and this is speaking to me now!


Learning to walk again
I believe I've waited long enough
Where do I begin?
Learning to talk again
Can't you see I've waited long enough
Where do I begin?

Paranoia..Paranoia....everybody's coming to get me....

How can something that is supposed to be part of you be so against you? How can the brain in your head create all these different thoughts that aren't even true? Why do I sit here thinking of different scenarios in my head...

what if this....
what if that...

How can something that is supposed to work for you....getting you through life make you feel so miserable? It's like constantly being bullied but by your own brain... Constantly living in a state of uncertainty. Why can't my brain be working for me? My brain has bullied me for so long that I cannot find a way to stop it. Even things that should help me be able to think better and clearer are destroyed by my brain.

Where do thoughts come from? How come we can see pictures in our heads.....pictures we know we don't want to see but see anyway. Why can't my brain show me a field of daisies instead of just random awful thoughts?

My brain fights against itself a lot now. Since I have been trying to rid my head of stupid useless thoughts, there is a battle waging against my old ways of thinking and my new ways of thinking.  My brain also likes to think fast......constantly spitting images at me...thoughts just racing....like watching car racing. All you see when you watch are these images going by fast ....they aren't quite clear and defined but you know what they are. Like the car racing by....the thought is moving fast and then out of view but it's still there about to make another round. 

Are our brains taught to think and learn this way as we are conceived and then grow? Has my childhood shaped my brain to be the way it is.....for as long as I can remember...this is how I have always thought. 

and i know that in the morning i will wake up in the shivering cold...

It's so weird how a song can just take you back in time. You can conjure up those feelings that you had when you heard that song. It is almost as if you are there, somehow taking a time machine and you are watching yourself in that time. I guess it could be like when Scrooge is visited by the spirits and he can see himself and watch what he is doing, but he cant do anything to change it right then and there. A song that just popped into my head is Seagull by Bad Company.  When I hear that song, I can see my 12 year old self laying on the floor of my bedroom staring up at the ceiling. so many thoughts racing through my head.....since I can remember my mind has been constantly playing over and over again and again scenarios i make up in my mind....for instance if i am going back to school for the first day. i will sit there and think about who i will see, what classes i have, are my friends coming back since somehow we lost touch over the summer. i could even make up dialogues of people I would talk to. 

I have been so busy playing these scenes in my head, so long taking visions of what may or may not happen and preventing myself from actually just going and doing whatever it is and just let whatever happens happens. its like being the director of a movie and i am laying there constantly analyzing and calculating that next scene in the movie. but life isn't a movie that you can write the script for. life happens as it happens. you cannot control the next scenes in your life. any unexpected life changing event can and will happen. it could be for the better or it could make your life quite difficult. but the thing is...we have no control over that, so why .....why do i sit there and play these scenes over in my head. there may have been a very few times that things i thought about before the next event in my life did happen....but only because the were predictable. there is nothing quite predictable about life. yeah you can plan to go to the movies on Friday night, and you are going to see this certain movie at this certain time and at this certain place. you know who you are going with and what is supposed to happen. you have the basic fundamentals of which direction you are going to take your life at that moment but you do not have the concrete fact that any of these things you planned are going to happen. your friend could call and say they cant make it....well now at least one variable has been taken away from that plan....yeah you could still go at the same time, same place, same movie....but that one variable of who you were going with changed. the movie could have sold out and now you are not going to see that movie. something could happen during the day that causes you to be late and so you have to see a later movie instead of the time you had planned. so my point is i suppose is that you cant lay on the floor of your bedroom listening to a song while you constantly play over and over in your head the next big scene of your life. life is just going to happen. you can play the who, how, where, when, why of the next scene in your life, but most likely some sort of variable is going to change. You are going out on a first date and you don't plan for the other person to grab your hand and hold it. in your mind you were both going to sit there and watch the movie, eat popcorn, drink, and interact with the movie. but if that person grabs your hand, that is an unexpected piece of the scene that you had already planned out. 



basically don't worry about what the hell is going to happen in the next second, minute, hour, weeks, years. you can plan all you want, but you cannot control exactly what happens. whatever is going to happen is going to happen. you meet this awesome person and you get on well and can sit and chat for hours. you start to like this person, but you start planning the demise of something that hasn't even happened yet, you start thinking all sorts of things, what if this, what if that, i don't want to get hurt again. but you cannot plan any of that. all you can control is that next action you take. you have to think about things you do want, that you want to plan to make happen. focus on the things that make you happy. you have control over whether you are happy or not. 






i really went off the beginning topic of this which was being able to remember something by listening to a certain song. then i thought of that song which then led me to think about what i was doing when i heard it, which then made me go into what i was doing, but should not have been doing. oh my head is so full of words, colors, patterns, random thoughts and they just flow over and over again and again. sometimes if i don't pay attention i can have all these thoughts telling my future......

Everyday I keep pushing, Keep trying to move forward........

So its been ages since I posted. I always start something and never finish. *sigh* I really meant for this to be something I did on a daily basis....something that I WOULD finish!

Problem is that I have thoughts.....oh so many thoughts.....that they get all jumbled up and then I feel like no one wants to hear them....sometimes not even myself! I never think what I say or do is good enough....I'm always striving for perfection yet never think I get there. Maybe I need to stop setting such high standards for myself and just sit here and let it all come out. Whether good or bad just let it out.

Who cares if it is read or liked......at least its out of my head.

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Anyhoo.....yesterday I went to visit my 3 year old neice. Such a funny lil tike. She kept calling me Aunt Mary. My uncle said....she isn't Aunt Mary....its Keysha. She says, "Yes it is...she has red hair."

I said, "Nope I am Keysha."

She replies, "Well FINE...if you want to be Keysha, then just BE Keysha!"

lol I thought....Kid that is who I have been trying to be for so long...... "JUST BEING KEYSHA"

I am who I am......like me or not.....I am just being Keysha!

And on a side note: You may or may not have noticed that the Title of my Blogs are Lyrics or names of a Song. Today's lyrics are brought to you by Janis Joplin....Work Me, Lord.

Make Yourself..............

You don't have to like the band Incubus.....though I highly recommend it....BUT if you read the lyrics to any of their songs....they are moving, inspiring, and for me life changing.

In my early 20s I was having a REALLY hard time...between taking care of a baby, getting rid of an abusive boyfriend, dealing with a VERY dysfunctional family, overcoming depression, and trying to make it through college....but with the will to succeed and determination I did. I look back on those days and I am like WOWSERS....how the hell did you get through all this! I lost myself in all this craziness, lost that drive to be inspired....somedays even the will to live. It was like I had fallen down this huge black abyss.....even with people around..I felt ALONE!

I had always had a love for music since I can remember. Inspired by my grandmother listening to the oldies, my uncle listening to what is now "Classic Rock", to the cheesy yet awesome songs of the 80s. In highschool, music was my life....from the camping out for 16th row seats to see Depeche Mode, to admiring The Cure and the Jesus and Mary Chain, to the Nirvana concert I will never forget!

But during this...as I like to call them Dark Ages.....I had lost my passion for much of anything.....it was there deep within me...just hidden away. I had let someone else take over my life....to this day I can only speculate why and I try not to think about it too much as its not healthy for my soul anymore.

At the ripe age of 23.....I remember the age cuz in one of Incubus' songs....it says

A decade ago,
I never thought I would be,
at twenty-three, on the verge of
spontaneous combustion. -Woe-is-me.-

I discovered this song....and I was like "Holy Shit Batman".....someone gets it....someone else understands.....I am not the only one having a crisis. So I get the CD....and to my delightful surprise....there were more songs with lyrics that spoke to me. It was like this band channeled into my head and could hear everything I was thinking.

I was always about being your own individual....I can remember good ol' Captain Chesapeake (only people from Baltimore can remember him)....saying " Be somebody IMPORTANT...Be YOURSELF!!" In highschool, I became known as a "FREAK" for expressing my own individuality.....but that is for a whole other blog session!

So back to the subject at hand....a song on this Incubus album...Make Yourself.....this song spoke volumes to me that day I played it. I played it over and over taking in every last word. It was like Brandon Boyd was in my room with me that day......talking to just me. Telling me to be myself....not to let anyone else make who I am cuz if you do, they are gonna make you into something you are not, something weak and fragile and before you know it....the individual that you are.... will be gone.

I will leave you now with the lyrics to the song. It's better to listen to the song....but just read these lyrics and understand....we all have the power to choose our own path and don't let anyone else drive you in the wrong direction. If you really want to "LIVE"....be who you want to be and don't let anyone else make you feel wrong about it. At the end of the day.....it is you who has to spend the rest of your life with yourself!
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If I hadn't made me, I would've been made somehow..
If I hadn't assembled myself, Id've fallen apart by now.
If I hadn't made me, I'd be more inclined to bow.
Powers that be, Would have swallowed me up
But that's more than I can allow.
But...

If you let them make you, they'll make you Paper-Mache
At a distance you're strong, until the wind comes
Then you'll crumble and blow away.
If you let him fuck you there will be no foreplay.
Rest assured, They'll screw you complete, Until your ass is blue and grey!

You should make amends with you,
If only for better health.
But if you really want to live,
Why not try, and Make yourself?
Make yourself (Make yourself)

If I hadn't made me, I'd have fallen apart by now.
I won't let them make me..It's more than I can allow.
So when I make me, I won't be paper-Mache..
And if I fuck me...I'll fuck me in my own way.
Fuck me in my own way
Fuck me in my own way
Fuck me in my own way
Fuck me in my own way...

You should make amends with you,
If only for better health (Better health)
But if you really want to live,
Why not try, and Make yourself?
Make yourself
Make yourself
Make yourself
Make yourself!

Run...........

Every had a song that you could play over and over and never tire of? It reaches the deepest part of your soul and creates goosebumps all over your body. The combination of the music and lyrics just generates something in you that you can't explain. Which in my opinion....if something is so great that you can't explain it...that in itself should just explain it.

I have lots of songs that just "do something" to me.. something I can't explain...something that just gets to me. It's like my long lost soulmate....it just gets me, takes over, knows what I am feeling..thinking...yearning for.

Run by Snow Patrol is that song I will share now. I have more that I shall share at another time. You may have heard this....might not like it....hopefully you do :)